foreword
ぜんかい -- ゼンカイ
no longer yearning. what have we not done before?
"the world is really but the stage - create the most fulfilling play"
If you're a thief, master the art of thievery.
A psychotic mind leaves no room for regrets.
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Zheng Kai
01.11.1989
CHS - AJC
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AJChoir
1st Tenor
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footnote
© Copyrights:
Original layout
Content & Images
Chok Zheng Kai, 2008
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Tuesday, February 28, 2006
 - Drama EXCO Pres&VP&Secretary 04/05
wonder how's drama. wonder how u guys r doing now. all 3 of us different schs. its u guys tt filled up the emptiness in my life i might have in sec sch life. thx. nothing else matters, coz my experience n time working with u guys have seriously enlightened me. 
- My class 3-5 (2004), 4-5 (2005)all of us walk off with different roads. so many different lives. but it most significance is tt we met for our 2 last yrs in cat high. see u succeeding in everything u guys do! 
- The Herdwonder how is everyone is REALLY doing now. actually i still dunno how the herd formed. all i noe is tt we r a grp of frens who always go j8 to eat and one day some1 jus decided to shout 'herd leader' aimed at me. from tt day, we became the herd. haha. actually this photo is not really an accurate one too coz terence's nt in it. n i guess he was part of the herd at one point. wadeva it is, we are now separated. separated not only physically, but perhaps emotionally too. i sincerely wish everyone all the best in anything n everything they do! as always said, the ending of something means the starting of another. so yeah. i guess this entry i'll jus blog in remembrance of my past bonds.  - More drama pics at grad nite with ms thian.
 - my ajc class A31/06full of mixed feelings. though it has been a short 2 months, i have really enjoyed n cherished ur company. this fri is the day. the day where we might be separated forever. once again, all the best in wherever u guys go, the impt thing is tt we met as classmates in our first intake of our JC life. TAKE CARE! "Sometimes I wish I knew how to quit you" - BBM (2006)
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Sunday, February 26, 2006
i had such a nice dream this morning
it happened at my old hse
bishan 8
wher there was this road junction
and in my dream
i was awoken by the chilling weather
and when i opened my eyes
guess wad i saw!!
the roads outside my window was iced!
there were no cars!!
it didnt look weird
it was something i saw in japan or korea.
abt the half the second n third lane was pure shining ice!
so damn nice n exciting!!
then i saw ppl skating on it!!
so i jumped out of my bed and put on my skates
rushed out of the hse to skate!!
met my cousin, my grandparents!
all skating with me!!
n they all seem so pro!
JUST THEN,
my mum called out: "kaikai!!! wake up le!!"
LOL
that was where the dream ended.
it was so perfect thinking abt it k
wishing there was eternal winter n nice iced roads in all of singapore haha
anywae i helped doug create a blog
haha
he was so happy!
coz he was HTML-illiterate n was so happi when he saw it
anywae check it out at
http://dougsohot.blogspot.com
haha. he's as shameless as ever rmb.
next week could be the last week le
i really hope everything goes well
"Perhaps my heart should be cold and austere, like the ice on which I skate." - Ken Ho
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Friday, February 24, 2006
i was on the train bound for jurong east today
i was at the last carriage
then at a certain stop a man entered my carriage
he found a seat and sat down
i tot he looked weird
really weird and abit delirious
well it appears he really is
he started singing songs very loudly
then he started toking to some sch gals sitting at the other end
they were so freaked out
many passengers changed their seats to another carriage
i stood there to watch the whole thing
some alighted the next stop to board another train
tt man he was seriously psychotic
he drove everyone away
when i realised i was alone
i decided to switch carriage too
so i left the train thru one door n entered thru another
but tts not the point
although tt man alighted soon after
and left tt whole carriage almost empty
but i was observing everything
and then something hit me
wad is sane and insane to u?
i really think its jus a thin line
the human brain is so complex
we dun seem to be able to grasp the ocmplete understanding
of not only others,
but most of the time, oursleves.
tt man could once be perfectly sane in the eyes of others
no one knew what could have happened.
no matter how sane and insanity
can be so rightly defined individually
it will always be a false one
because this is all but a facade
a facade only to be torn by the society
they are the ones who decide.
but guess wad,
the 'they' in reference to the society
is no other than us.
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Wednesday, February 22, 2006
I'm going to blog about something that I've long wanted to talk about. Something blatantly happening in my alma mater. That also explains my sudden change of font style to one of a more serious and formal tone and register.
Anyway, these days other than listening to songs, I have also been visiting many blogs. Some which leave a more indelible mark in me are blogs like edwinheng.blogspot.com and vayaputada.blogspot.com. Well I'm sure by now all of you should know what happened. Basically, CHS did shockingly badly in the O Lvls 2005, causing many neighbourhood schools to overtake us in terms of rankings. Well at least that's what I heard.
Now the school is undoubtedly in a big mess. Firstly I really pity the school's management especially the principal Mr Lee. I am sure he feels really confused about the school's present situation. Ever since the 'black friday', the school has changed alot. Not only physically but psychologically too. This can be obviously seen by the change in the students' attitude and their views about the school. A school once so confident, so vibrant, with a spirit so inexhaustive, now turned overnight into a population of disgruntled students thrown into a deep abyss of lost desire and purpose. Even the teachers are not spared from such a sudden twist of fate. Nothing is certain, and nothing is forever. Perhaps everything high will fall, and the cycle goes on and on.
Nobody seemed to understand why our batch did so badly. It might not be that disastrous on an individual perception, but though I have not gotten news of the school's average L1R5, it appears to be so disastrous people who know it do not even want to reveal it. But whatever it is, it is all over. It is definitely going to be more disastrous if the students were to continue and wallow in self-pity and uncertainty, and things will turn to hopeless if rebellions and pessismistic attitudes don't get eliminated from them. Well for all those who still don't know, this is what is happening in school now!
You got to save yourself. Everyone knows that and its a fact. It is a personal setback for all of us. But life must continue. Even though we, the batch of 2005, will not return to CHS the same glorious and glamarous way our seniors did, I have to say it will always be my alma mater, and I, without a doubt, have spent my happiest days of my lives there. The memories will always be there, it cannot be erased. But it is up to you to create new and better ones for the future. I believe you will. The school is in a very vulnerable state now. And if you are a student of it, you should know what to do. Tears have been shed, even dried. This is an opportunity. Take it and use it well, people.
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Tuesday, February 21, 2006
hmpf.
wanted to post photos up here today de
but in de end after spending so much time n effort uploading them
realise tt they are too huge and of extremely high resolution
tt will take ages and ages for ppl to load n see
all my 5.1 megapix cam fault! lol.
next time must use hp cam le!!
hmmpf. now no pics.
n u have to read all these boring crap.
yeah. see.. how borin it can get
anywae tomorrow nt gg skating le la
roger bday tomorrow but he gt work n dinner with his church ppl
so no more skating.
so sad
mebbe fri la
i hope fri can
so damn long le lah.
haha actually its onli like 4 days. ahha
but to ppl who noe.
u shud noe wad i mean by so damn long le.
hmm. seems like de previous, who was inspired by a certain some1
had gotten me much publicity n talk too
haha. gd tt it applies to ppl out there
coz i means at least ur ain't reading a whole lot of irrelevant crap.
n i went to gw's hse today.
so bored la nth to do.
skipped pe n chinese.
hmm.
and btw, on a totally different note,
msn messenger live version 8 is giving me a hell lot of probs
its screwing up itself all the time
im so frustrated abt it im deleting it
and downloading the 7.5 ver back
haha
dunno also la. its beta afterall.. so oh wells.
another thing, today cbk (for who noe) did very outrageous stuff
hmm. very bad la. but it was funny i guess
is tt called class spirit?? LOL..
shan't reveal anymore stuff here in case i get sued for infringement of privacy
haha
anywae tts abt it
and ALOT of ppl are asking me for campus superstar tix.
hmmm... keep ur fingers crossed.
"zhi yao wai po jue de hao ting na cai shi yi zhong gu li wai po lu chu liao xiao rong shuo ta yi wo wei rong jian jian de xiao rong jiu rang wo gan dao bi de jiang ta hai yao guang rong."
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Monday, February 20, 2006
this entry was blogged during econs tutorial.
my tutor didnt come so here i am..
lolx
anywae this entry is also a special entry
it is dedicated to someone
someone who requested me to blog about this
sometimes what we really yearn for in life
may not be what we get in the end
or probably, what we know we can never have
it is painful
we all understand that
but it is the scars that remind us that the past is real
what is important and significant is that it once happened
i always feel it is the process
and nothing else matters
a boy so silent and resilient
might be still struggling under his skin
to fight for something he cant have
he yearns, but he knows he can never have it
he knows it is time
time for him to withdraw and leave
but he is not confident he could let go so easily
as he is someone who doesnt fall into things easily
he clings on
yet he knows its limited
and soon, it is time
time for him to go..
he stands there still trying
though he knows he would jus be a relic waiting to be replaced
he cannot do anything but to cry in vain
for whom he cant have
he cant cope with this alone anymore
and therefore the existence of this entry
to let the world know
the pain felt by everyone at any point of their life
expressed by an opressed.
why cant you be there?
why dont u just be there so i can see you
i dun wan us just to end this way
its so quick
too soon
i havent even said anything
and you are already gone.
once again i end this entry to let everyone noe
for if they ever feel they are falling into something too deep
or knowing they cant have who they really want
they know at least they aren't alone.
that which led to the existence of this entry.
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Saturday, February 18, 2006
i haven been skating for such a long time
went to jurong today
but found tt the rink's close
coz its the ice hockey season n there r matches held
so i watched a few matches played between spore and canada
i had my ogf workshop
it was correct to look forward to it
coz it seems they're the onli stuff in aj tt can cheer me up
it was fun, it was nice to noe more ppl once again
and since i haven been skating for quite some time
i had been listening to jay chou songs
lol
jus to remind me of the rink
coz they always play jay chou songs there
esp fa ru xue and qi li xiang.
anywae ken also started to listen to his songs
me also first time
shocked myself too
anywae i went to NYP mac for lunch b4 ogf on fri
and guess wad
nyp really shocked me
i had a very nice feeling when i stepped into the inner building
it was so nice
tt is wad i call a REAL FOUNTAIN.
unlike other schs which try to immitate fountains n stuffs.
their walkway is like so nice
so spacious and free
the feeling is so different frm the small n old aj building.
so much so tt i was quite sad to leave it.
haha
really. it left me a deep impression abt polys.
coz i have neva stepped into a poly b4.
my first time
and it was really nice.
all of a sudden im envious of roger, han yang n teck ching,
who's all going Ngee Ann Poly
all the best in ur lives.
i noe u will enjoy it!
"...Yio Chu Kang, Khatib, Yishun, Sembawang, Admiralty, Woodlands, Marsiling, Kranji, Yew Tee, Choa Chu Kang, Bukit Gombak, Bukit Batok, Jurong East. This long, simple train journey has taught me more than I have learnt in my past 10 years."
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Thursday, February 16, 2006
all thx to my cousin who did this for me again!
she was too bored probably.. haha
other than tt i have nothing else to say abt sch
its still the same
the feelings hasnt gone away fully
dun even noe whether it'll ever go away
i find myself having alot of unfinished duties
this is so irritating
torino skating parts ended le
russians ruled the whole thing
most of it la
chinese were impressive too
hmm.
"Before and after. A huge disaster and but with certain wonders."
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Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Heaven - Ayumi Hamasaki
Saigo ni kimi ga hohoende
Massugu ni sashidashita mono wa
Tada amarini kirei sugite
Koraekirezu namida afureta
Ano hi kitto futari wa
Ai ni fureta
Watashitachi wa sagashiatte
Tokini jibun o miushinatte
Yagate mitsukeatta no nara
Donna ketsumatsu ga matte ite mo
Unmei to iu igai
Hoka ni wa nai
la la la la la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la la
Kimi ga tabidatta ano sora ni
Yasashiku watashi o terasu hoshi ga hikatte
Soba ni ite aisuru hito
Toki o koete katachi o kaete
Futari mada minu mirai ga koko ni
Nee konnanimo nokotteru kara
Soba ni ite aisuru hito
Toki o koete katachi o kaete
Futari mada minu mirai ga koko ni
Nokotteru kara
Shinjite aisuru hito
Watashi no naka de kimi wa ikiru
Dakara kore kara saki mo zutto
Sayonara nante iwanai
Ano hi kitto futari wa
Ai ni fureta
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Monday, February 13, 2006
a differing view about memories
i felt i just had to share it to all those who noe swen.
swen, taken frm u again:
U've been fooled.
Having memories were never anything to be happy about, much less anything to be celebrating about. Memories are but pathetic remnants of what u once had, but no longer do; debris of what u could do, but cannot anymore. In other words, memories fail to represent anything except how screwed up your life has been. Yes, one can have happy memories, but it only serves to remind u that u can never have that sort of happiness again. Imagine a guy who got robbed in a dark alley. The robbers take all his money and everything valuable to him and only leaves him with his empty wallet. Memories are just like that wallet. Its but an empty shell. So people, please. The next time someone dear to u smiles at u and say something like "Thanks for the memories", do not be deceived. Look deep into this person's eyes and u will see sorrow and regret more than any other emotion possible. Please give this person a hug, because he\she really needs it.
think and ponder.
u will find the answer urself.
only the correct ans will find u
and u will nt be a winner of possession of answers
but a contented individual with a future.
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mebbe when the mind is weak,
ur physical body will mysteriously become weak too
coz tts wad happening to me
im still recovering
not fully recovered yet
i dunno
tts the reply if too many questions r asked
and..
it appears watching Torino 2006 Winter Olympics
is the only way i can feel better.
dunno y too.
for all those who tagged.
thx yah.
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Saturday, February 11, 2006
i miss u.
lets compromise
all others
but not this.
im really missing lots.
not abt the stigma
not abt the pain
not abt the condition im in
when i could be hospitalised.
its abt u
its abt it
its abt something so wonderful and passionate
that has forced to breakaway
from me
inadvertly.
but nvm.
i'll cya soon.
i want to
and i will.
i will recover
and it will happen.
lost.
or may i?
"Foot goes really numb, yet my posture still yearns."
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Tuesday, February 07, 2006
a soul strolling pass a head lamp
passing more and more souls away
perhaps passing just life.
travelling slowly to the island
as tears and anguish overwhelms
he sits down to shed a tear
passing even more souls away
perhaps once.
once before history
once before time
he didnt merely exist.
he lived.
but those are kept close
kept close away
shunned from the light
from the next head lamp
as it dims beneath him.
those were called memories.
someday he might noe.
someday he might understand
to feel and not to be with.
most of our times
the feeling could always be
much much better than the physicals.
no matter wad,
it gives a chance
a chance not just to pass life.
a chance to live his life.
his fate seemed far away.
as it longed for him.
we could all never determine.
who was he,
and whether he was he.
he could not trust his feelings
nor tie down to the roads of his destinies.
he was, perhaps.
just plain tired.
and couldnt catch up.
but in all that,
he sees a glimpse of light.
a warm nostalgic fate before him
he knows its a final moment
its a scared ceremony
though many controversies surround it
he trugges on
continuing to believe in who else
but himself.
perhaps it is jus a temperament.
in fact it most probably is.
but he is still bored.
stuck in a chase everyone seemed to yearn for.
as the melody plays on,
he loves, he lives and he cries.
as he knows,
a window is soon to be seen.
a window not to jump out upon,
but a window for fresh air to come in.
so far and so long.
he remains around.
passing life
and
to be never pessimistic.
"He would be searching all around the big city of Tokyo, seeking his other half. It was always a temporary feeling, never permanent, and it all ended, with no finds, on an unfinished chord."
~ on 'To The Island' by Toru Takemitsu
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Monday, February 06, 2006
today was quite a sian day
tomorrow also.
other than the fact tt my frens n i r tryin to plan a movie and eat sakae.
lol
nt sure if it'll all work out nicely
coz gt afternoon pe too
it better be damn slack
coz gw ur pe is so slack.
morning somemore
tomorrow gt 3 hr break.
wonder wad can i do.. hmm
lol
had choir today
learnt a new song called to the island by toru takemitsu.
its soooo sooo damn nice
mr kwei said something abt the story of tt song
its abt some1 finding love in tokyo
but in de end finding nothing
ended up feeling like a lone island in the huge crowded n busy city.
its so sad.
guess tt is wad is happening to many ppl
quote of tx:
"the worst way to miss someone is to sit rite
beside him/her knowing you will never have him/her."
but the sop gt the most melody
overpowered the rest of choir
and i heard gw MAY become AJ BOY SOP!!
lol.
go ahead n fite with mary hua or lala..
lol.
still trying to find the midi...
so i can put it up on de blog.
hmk is still never decreasing
mebbe coz i hasnt completed any la
but its still so sian
FRIDAY CONFIRM O LVL RESULTS RELEASED
so i hope tt day comes faster
everything will be clearer..
more stable
and everything else.
still cant wait to go back ice skating.
"--KainiveK--"
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Sunday, February 05, 2006
i went ice skating again today!
so damn fun...
we skated till it closed at 4.30pm.
saw ice hockey ppl
all of them are like children
and all of them are caucasians.
dun think they lived in singapore
whole rink swamped by them by the time we left
hmmm
interesting
saw the boss there too
he looked so unhappy
was ordering his staff around to clean up the area
probably a big match was abt to start
hahaha
xuan say she wanna learn ice hockey and be in the team
she'll be the only chinese then haha
i didnt manage to learn any snow-plough stop
or any ice hockey stop
but guess wad.. tiff noes the snow-plough thingy
though not very very pro..
my bro had the enjoyment of acting noob
haha... he was using tt metal bar thingy as well
so acting noob la
my parents saw me ice skating
and i think they saw how i enjoyed a sport they r unfamiliar with
hmmm
well.....
i cant wait to go again.
so damn tired now
and i still have to do econs and physics.
horrible.
sianx.
lol.
anywae, some1 wasnt there today.
"I don't trust my feelings. It's true that abscence makes the heart fonder. But I don't even know whether I still yearn to see you around. Argh! See you soon!"
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Saturday, February 04, 2006
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And both that morning equally lay, In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh, Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. ~ Robert Frost
a very relevant poem i feel.
although its a shorter version of the original one.
yesterday 31/06 had their class outing!!
most turned up
but many ppl left quite early
until abt 930 when we finished coz anthony was slowly eating his prawns
then we decided to go for a walk
to esplanade and citi-link
ended up while waling even more left
so left with xian hui, valerie, joanne and me
4 of us went to merlion to sit and enjoy the breeze
after which we finally decided to go home at 11pm
haha.
they had fireworks but we missed it.
esplanade also quite happening at tt time.
there are jus so many things i wanna do
so many things i wanna experience and see
so many things i wanna accomplish
i dunno where to start
and i dunno whether i'll be able to complete them
and the relentless uncertainty continues....
"同じ空から落ちる雨滴 私達が私達の生命に約祈るように。"
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Thursday, February 02, 2006
o lvl results coming out next week
everyone is talking abt it
haha
today pe was quite slack.
coz tomorrow gt x-country
and i feel very sian abt it
jiamin's sick so she nt going
so gd
haha
and she's droppin hist.
tts sad
but i hope she dun change class
or worse
change sch
i gt pray for u lol
haha
budden...
i myself also dunno
im so uncertain now
i really really dunno..
hmmm.......
im forced to blog quickly coz of xianhui too
lol. u better tag hor
aj arh.......
i dun really noe wad to say abt u
coz i think my life's has changed.
i may no longer be ur herd leader
may nt be who u wanted me to be
i dunno
but i still haven forgt wad swen said
abt losing everything but not urself
its really meaningful
i guess at times liddat,
i jus wanna ice skate. LOL.
i wanna go ice skate ppl! come leh!
i wanna watch i not stoopid 2 too.
and i jus bought tt jap drama thingy chris said its very nice
im gonne watch it soon
hmm
and now im an ogf too
dunno la
dunno how will everything turn out.
i seem to be living day by day
something i haven done in 2 yrs
n then there's so much hmk too.
dumb.
oh yes. wed choir was so embarrassing.
a guy called zijiang
he's frm cat high pri also.
then im quite shocked le.
coz i like never see him ard b4..
impossible coz i tot i noe alot of ppl and rmb all my frens lol
then i asked him to say all his classes.
1st shock.
he's from 2H too. same pri 2 class!
im like.
oh shit
i dun rmb leh..
then when he reached pri 6.
he said 6I!!!
LOL
my graduating pri sch class and i dun rmb!! goodness.
and he actually remembered my name la!!
wth.. lol. so embarrassing.
aiyah ok i need to do gp le. nite.
"The participant continues to struggle in the search for all answers whilst the bystander sees all."
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Wednesday, February 01, 2006
 
yay my cousin xx did those for me! nice rite.. must ask her do more next time le!!haha
and BTW. everyone pls read this.the entry b4 abt the one nite stand was used as a metaphor to describesomethinga conversation tt went on between certain pplon a certain nite.tts allguo wei and ken shud noe.and ken u dun laugh. u noe lor.hahayup so tts itcleared the misunderstanding there?hope so.
and guess wadthru this i proved another pointeveryone loves a scandal.hmmxiaoxuandidnt noe u were so scandalously salaciously promiscuous.lol.jus joking.
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lolx.
im blogging using aj library com
having break now
accompany my fren to research on spongebob
coz our class doing its banner for CIP.
nothing else to do also.
o lvl results coming out next week i hope
i dun wanna wait any longer
its how we see it.
it need not be tt depressing
but why wait n accumulate so much uncertainty?
guess i cant wait to go ice skating again
though i dunno when will tt be
this sat mebbe, mebbe sun
but sat gt OG outing.
hope everything goes well coz im enthusiatic abt it.
for once. LOL.
gt choir later.
wif this kinda sore throat dunno whether i can even reach a single note
haha.
somemore doing the weird language song.
dunno how to pronounce n never practice also.
haha.
cny hol is over
but the mood is nt over as yet
if o lvl results release next week at least there'll be a short 1 week break.
haha. can continue my hol mood
this fri is cross-country.
think abt it sian le
somemore its in the afternoon
hope like last yr cat high rain then cancelled.
haha
(METAPHOR GUYS!!)
[ things are just improving a lil now.
and i admit tt nite was jus a one nite stand
a fling
that was foolishly done in a drunkard way.
i dun even trust wad i feel now
sry.
u r nt worth my time.
and i guess im nt worth urs too.
nothing happened.
back to basics. ]
"Whenever you feel blessed and happy, there is someone else at another side of the globe feeling down and under. So always remember to count your blessings, and cherish your good times, or else the other would have suffered such misery in vain."
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