foreword
ぜんかい -- ゼンカイ
no longer yearning. what have we not done before?
"the world is really but the stage - create the most fulfilling play"
If you're a thief, master the art of thievery.
A psychotic mind leaves no room for regrets.
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Zheng Kai
01.11.1989
CHS - AJC
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AJChoir
1st Tenor
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© Copyrights:
Original layout
Content & Images
Chok Zheng Kai, 2008
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Saturday, May 31, 2008
Well well well... just in case you were wondering what in the world was that essay about - it was just a brainchild of my extreme boredom in my camp. Trust me, I even came up with random poems and compositions. I had to keep sane, and more importantly, slightly intellectual, remember?
Gosh, I really think my brain is rotting away if not for those projects/admin I'm tasked to do in camp. So much so I'm desperate enough to ask Ham2 to allocate some academic research for me to do. Haha..
I watched Sex and the City with the triplets yesterday and I must say it was phenomenal. For us at least. Through all the crazy laughter at the most inappropriate moments, we were excited enough to even start planning a vacation for ourselves at some island resort - a desperate bid to re-enact the show's Mexican 'honeymoon'. Of course Ricky will play Charlotte, the ever-picky on third world countries' hygiene slut. One conclusion - I need to watch it again. LOL.
Other than that, my life has been back to the boring and economically unproductive days. As an economics enthusiast, I find myself falling into the very guilty pit of not doing anything productive for the economy, at least for now. My biggest challenge - find something to occupy me sufficiently for the next week, when I'm going to be on leave till the 10 of June.
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Thursday, May 29, 2008
Colours - Rainbow in the night
Purple. It was a stunning car. I would have bought it if I had the cash. Maybe when I grow up and earn enough money. My wife and kids would love it, I'm sure. Then the outrageous crashing sound came through and I was lying there, knowing it was all but a dream.
Black. That was all I saw after that very proud and royal purple. My world was in darkness. To my left and right was all but black, and more black. It was as if the tar had engulfed me and swallowed me into the roads of hell. I heard sirens, shouts, cries. I thought of the movie I just watched over the weekend. The chaos seemed so familiar.
Red. It began to feel a little wet. It wasn't raining I'm sure, but my clothes are getting drenched. The source seems to be from my head. My hair was in a total mess. Soon, I was flooded in a pool I can't swim out from. It was terrible.
White. The sirens were gone. Chaos was still present, but it felt different, as if in an enclosed environment now, a building possibly. Figures in white started to rush and hover around me. Some were in a face of panic, others just looked resigned. Then, it dawned on me they were doctors and nurses. Yes, now I'm sure, the smell was unmistakable, it was definitely the hospital. Am I dying?
Yellow. I was blinded. My eyes were writhing in pain! The bright yellow lights above me pierced through my pupils as if they wanted to dig something out from behind. Then I saw those knifes. They were going to cut me open, I swear. I was screaming inside, but I was completely helpless, I could not get up to stop them, and to turn those lights off!
Brown. It must have been at least a quarter of the day. I was completely drained. I couldn't be bothered anymore. Either way, I did not have the energy. It seemed like the operation's over. My mum came to visit. I couldn't see her clearly, but I knew it was her. Her brown hair flowed over my face, caressing me gently. I fell into a deep slumber.
Pink. It had been 2 weeks. It felt like forever. I didn't feel very much different, honestly. But I knew I was recovering. I thrilled at the thought of going back to school, hanging out with my best friends. I was slowly but surely edging into the pink of health. I know it, or at least I think I am.
Green. My parents' heavy footsteps woke me up. I couldn't see too clearly too. It must have been the sleeping all these while, making me feel so groggy. They seemed to be in a tense discussion with the doctor. I see my parents signing a green document. I think I might be discharged soon. The nurses are already unplugging the tubes from my body. I am going to be free again!
Orange. My relatives had all gathered with me to see how I was doing. I, too, had been eager to know how every one's doing. Unfortunately, they all seemed to be depressed. I wonder why. When I'm fully recovered I am going to make them happy again, I promise. They brought me into this room. It was hot! I felt like I was burning. Then I saw those fiery orange flames! It was unstoppable! I thought I had melted, but it wasn't painful at all. I really wonder why. I started to shrink...soon everything else grew many times in magnitude around me. I was dwarfed.
Blue. It was bumpy ride. I felt claustrophobic and nauseated. It was as if I was trapped in a tiny jar. I tried to get out, but to no avail. Then all of a sudden, the bumping stopped. I could smell the blue sea, it had been a long time since I had been to the beach. It felt so cool and relaxing, unlike before. I could faintly hear my sister tearing. Was it because she didn't get her toy she wanted again? I will buy it for her next time when I have the chance. The blue sky above me lit up, and the wind picked me up on my feet. It was exhilarating. I was flying just in between the two blue universes. I am free, forever.
(c) CHOK 2008
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Monday, May 26, 2008
It is nearing the end of May, and the welcoming of June. That is scary, scarily fast. Post-JC life felt like it just crept in slowly and I'm probably still at the early stages of getting used to it. That was the last I remembered of myself feeling and being aware. Now I'm in NS, those BMT peeps are POP-ing in a matter of days, and I'm about to get my 2nd month NS pay.
Why are things going so fast? Somehow, I looked back and still could recall those days in JC and in choir in great detail like they just happened yesterday. However, in the process, it does slowly dawn on me that many things (and when I mean many, IT IS REALLY ALOT) have actually happened for the past 5 months. I got a nice job with nice colleagues, worked for almost 4 months, saw my bank account in constant 4-digits, flew to Italy and back, got thrown into the forests of Tekong bald, got accepted into NUS Law Faculty, and now having an 8-5 Auxillary Staff job at Ayer Rajah.
If this wasn't eventful, I wonder what is.
Point being, where was I this whole 5 months? Were I even around? It would have been laughable to describe this as a out-of-body experience but somehow that feeling still lingers. I am able to feel happiness, sadness, love and hate. But I found myself losing something important, perhaps a purpose, a goal. Thinking back at what Shoshi said back then about having a purpose, my ideals are now blurred. What is it that I really want?
Even this post seems to go no where. That is true. From now on, I am on a journey to find myself. To find back that me that I always were. As cliche and as cheesy as that may sound, it brings back things to look forward to, friends I really want to be with, things I really want to do, and a heart that belongs.
Everyone lead very different lives with even more different short-term goals. Perhaps sometimes it would be right to just transcend all these and go back to the very beginning - what made you happy, and what will?
As such, my first step - taking leave for the whole of next week till the following monday when my TP test is over - to revisit the past to find my future.
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Monday, May 19, 2008
woosh.
All of a sudden, its over! AJchoir has ended tonight with a big bang, literally, with the closing of the VoyAJe 2008: Notes on a Road annual concert at Esplanade. I am really heartened and pleased to see all my juniors and new faces all sharing the same joy in singing and performing. It was indeed a truly magical night I would hold dear for at least months to come. Haha...
This concert was not only a memorable one as I performed with the main choir even though I've graduated, it was also an important milestone for the AJC Alumni choir. After our short performance of Red Red Rose and Double Double Toil and Trouble, Kwei actually said we should consider going for a competition in Asia. Like seriously?! I think people like CheeGuan have been waiting so long for this day..haha. Well done.
Next, thanks to those who came to support us. AJ 06/07 batch. I love you guys many forever!! Thanks for all the cheering and support you guys gave! To Nigel and Ricky, thanks for coming and thanks so much for the "GO MOTHER CHOK!" thingy. It was so embarrassing! hahaha... But anyways, at least you guys enjoyed yourself. Thats the thing us performers really wanna hear after all the practising and stuff.
To the juniors of AJ choir. I really loved your performance for the 2nd half and I really would want either a video or a recording because I just cannot get enough of it. Like seriously. Congrats on having completed this project successfully. More bigger things are in your way, on the road. No Importa la Distancia.
On a personal note, strangely, I did not feel a single bit nervous at all this performance. It could be attributed to the fact I've performed many many times on esplanade already, but still, something in me just couldnt switch on. I dunno if thats a good thing anot. But I felt really comfortable on stage...it was like I was at home. Congrats, mebbe I have just reached a new level of shamlessness hahaha. Oh well..
Now.. what should I look forward to?
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Friday, May 16, 2008
No. 61
Memoirs of clouds and rivers,
winds and hills.
It's been a good old sixty-one years,
or perhaps, nights.
Of journey and voyages with a scripted twist,
love's lost, all but a feather's chase.
So now, miles away from the scene of truth,
lies and deception seemed blatant.
What good does it give to give and take,
for all is but a certain paint.
What you see is not what you get,
for it is this that we are real.
From parallel worlds to connected moons,
you think and feel just like that.
Now, for all we know, past has done,
for gravity we know has brought you down.
Across the notes and pads on roads,
we see a light in the endless goth.
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Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Its 11PM on my clock. Long time since I was awake at this time.
Been posted out from BMTC Tekong to Ayer Rajah Camp as an Arms Tech. Well but its temporary anyway. Not sure how the rest of my NS life will turn out to be but I'm just hoping if I get to stay at OETI I can do a spec course.
Sadly, the 'power of three whom set you free' has now been officially split to 3 different camps. I think we totally rocked though. We rocked so much Tekong shook with our presence. Im serious. Been really looking forward to meeting you guys again, especially the stayovers we promised.
So yeah, whats up next? Well, there's the AJchoir concert @ esplanade coming this sunday. Excited for it, and I heard things have been going really well so there's not much cause for worry this time. I will be performing with the main choir for the first half, with the alumni for the 1st segment of the 2nd half, and of course, not forgetting the last encore song No Importa. I really wonder what it means to sing No Importa now, at this very moment of time..
Anyhoos, life's been back to arranging small but exciting activities and watching anime on youtube. Starting new jap and piano classes soon too. Plus my driving test is coming up soon again. Thank god the unit's a stay-out.
Well yeah, of parallel universes and unchained melodies, till time permits and the game's done. Look for me, for its now my turn.
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