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Friday, January 13, 2006
Shattered Nostalgia
Today is just like any other day, only thing is that after school and all those lectures I went to Cat High coz we were invited for the CCA Orientation. Many things have changed, characters differed, lives turned, but they they still hold on to their same faces. We may be in different worlds now, but we are still looking up at the same sky. Anyway, there is practically nothing much to blog about the orientation just that it was pretty interesting to see drama becoming so outrageous this year to even paint their members in shocking colors and for some of them to don clown-clothing. Kudos to their courage and ability to stand out. I guess you guys really got many heads turning.
Of course, we were not the only seniors which went back. The most who went back were from VJ. They had so many of themselves that they were doing mass dances, VJ cheers and other full-of-hyperness VJ orientation stuffs. Especially for drama, we had members from almost all parts of singapore. Literally. Tze Swen went to NJ, Sng Tiak went to RJ, Zi Tong and I went to AJ, Roy Lee CJ and Jerold IJ, and I'm sure there are drama members who went to NYJ and SAJ. It felt good at first to see everything and wave 'hi' to everyone at first, then I started to get the very 'sick and tired' feeling. I don't really know what hit me, but I'm very sure I had never felt this way in Cat High before, probably only when in Sec 1. It is absolutely not giving me any chance to feel any sense of nostalgia. The memories of council room, rainy day duty, talking in class came back like a sudden wave only when I played some songs, but apparently it was only skeletons of memories left. Sadly, what seemed almost impossible is happening. Sec 3 2004 was the happiest year of my life, whilst Sec 1's the worst. Looking at the new sec 1s touring the school, they were obviously trying to start a new life in Cat High, just like how we, the seniors are trying to start in our respective JCs.
Perhaps you might have felt it, or you might have not. But I certainly did. The feeling is different now. With only short bursts of happiness reaching a quarter of what we shared together in the past, the motivation to continue a conversation or anything is really handicapped. In fact, I felt really tired. Tired that I might have possibly been betrayed for my loyalty, tired that you looked somewhere else now, tired that everything have changed, even though I kept preaching about embracing it. It is still an irony now, it will always be. Coming back home in my car, I was really really tired, so tried I can't really start a conversation, so tired I can't think of what am I exactly tired about. I need a revival to gear myself towards happiness, and even though I know I am and will get it soon, what is important is that one never forgets his feelings. It is what leads to one finding his true self. Sad but true.
I got the dream again, the dream of being with someone I like, or maybe it is only an infatuation, but it was one of those very very rare times I felt real. The emotions were real, at least at the moment. But I knew I had to wake up, because it occurred that love might be well again forbidden. It was the second time of such embrace, and it was my real and true definition of love and embrace, with all mind, and soul, but never with a body. It is already the second time, and I really don't wish to have it again, because waking up is equivalent to breaking up. Thrown into reality for like the upteen time, when all I requested was to walk and discover reality alone myself.
"Perhaps memories all have a purpose, to force one to feel nostalgic, so as he could yearn for a better future to be kept as a proud past."
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